Why A Relationship with Polarity Scares Me (and Why I will Continue to Teach and Practice it Anyway)
I long for a partnership in which I get to rest in my feminine and my partner leads from his masculine. This also terrifies me.
I am terrified to be in my feminine more than my partner is. Why? You might ask. Don’t get me wrong; the perks of getting to fully feel and express my feelings, to surrender into the leadership of my partner, and let go of the incessant doing that I must carry to survive as an adult are what draw me in to desiring a relationship in which polarity is an emphasis. But the terrifying part is that in order to do that I HAVE TO LET GO OF CONTROL!
It means being touch with my vulnerable heart and revealing that to my partner.
t means not meditating as a way to soothe my anxiety anymore, but rather letting myself actually be with and FEEL my anxiety, to put on a tribal song and shake as I feel my fear, to let tears stream down my face on the way to work, with my heart full of grief and longing, and with no real content behind, just pure feeling. It means, according to one of my main teachers of polarity, John Wineland, that as the partner more in the feminine in the relationship that I will be more focused on love and that my masculine partner will be more focused on purpose. That also scares the bejesus out of me!
I am terrified of getting into another relationship in which I am the anxiously attached one constantly wanting more attention and love, and he is the avoidant one, feeling burdened and guilty at my disappointment at wanting him more as he puts energy into his purpose and away from our relationship. And I don’t think that a healthy relationship in which polarity is an emphasis means that one must be in a dysfunctional anxious-avoidant cycle, but I am so so terrified that that is what being in my feminine means.
It is so interesting to be teaching this work from a place of experience. As a therapist I have taught primarily from theories, and that does work well (a surgeon does not have to have had heart surgery to be a kick ass heart surgeon) but this kind of work is different. I want to feel it from the inside as I teach it, not just tell people what research and other people say. I want to share it from my own experience. And that makes it all the more vulnerable. As I am unfolding along with my students. We are learning together the joys and terrors of what happens as we drop into our feminine and learn how to cultivate our inner sacred masculine to hold ourselves just enough, in those moments when our partner needs a break or is not there to hold us, but to relent again when the timing presents and gift our partner once again with the opportunity to be in the masculine and lead us well. But that’s scary because it is not a guarantee. We may be dropped. We may not hold ourselves enough when our partner needs us to. We may demand too much or hold on too tight and never let go of control.
I don’t have the answer but I do have these inquiries. And it feels good to have them. It feels good to know that I am afraid to let go of control; to know that I have a choice; and to know that even when I do choose to let go I will feel fear and uncertainty. But I have faith that more love and trust is on the other side, because I have glimpsed it. I have seen the ways that life starts to open up more, I feel healthier, my relationships feel more intimate, I feel more on my purpose and vital when I practice trusting my feminine and practice seeing the TRUSTABLE MASCULINE that does exist all around me, rather than focusing on the fear and mistrust that is also there. I am still completely terrified to let go and be in my feminine...and I will continue to do this work.
Karen Wolfe, MFT offers depth therapy with practices to deepen your connection to your Self and to others for individuals and couples in the Bay Area and via video conference across California